I occasionally will hear parents say something along the lines of “He is too big for me to make him listen.” Hopefully our parental authority is not based on superior physical strength because I would have lost that battle starting about seven or eight years ago. I want my children to listen to me because they respect me, not because they are afraid of me. And now that they are older, I don’t want them to just listen to me. I want them to do the right thing because that is who they have become, something they have internalized.
If a child listens only out of fear, what will they do when that fear is no longer operative? We all have situations in which we could probably get away with doing things we should not. Hopefully we have some internal motivation to do the right thing when the external controls are not present.
I think the internal motivation to behave in appropriate ways starts with modeling of appropriate behavior by the adults in a child’s life and by having relationships with those adults which are based on love and mutual respect. A child is much more likely to listen to an adult who he knows cares about him and wants what is best for him.
Imagine two different children contemplating a forbidden activity. One thinks “I shouldn’t do this because if I get caught I will get whipped.” The other thinks “I shouldn’t do this because this is the type of thing my mother has warned me about and she is generally right about these things.” Which thought process is more likely to produce desirable behaviors in the long run?
I am not talking about just letting kids do whatever. Clear, consistent limits are important and those limits need to be consistently enforced. But they need to be enforced in a way that helps the child to learn and does not demean him as a person.
I have not always done a great job of applying these principles myself but I think I did get better at it over time with successive children (sorry Zach). And clearly not all children react the same. Sometimes parents parent well and the behavior outcomes are not what they had hoped for.
I don’t think there is a magic “just do this” approach to parenting that will make everything turn out well. But I think spending time with your children and showing them that you love them is a good start.